Saffron and Oil and Coconut, my!

In my kitchen, there are many yummy ingredients.

Saffron

3 varieties olive oil

chicken

fingerling gold, red, and purple potatoes

Heavy cream

butter

plentiful fresh and frozen veggies

mangoes

a fresh coconut

a fresh pomegranate

hummus

greek yogurt

marionberries

sundried tomato flatbread

Also, a plethora of other things. Unfortunately, I seem to have misplaced my cooking partner, and  my roommate is super-nauseated and doesnt what to eat yummy food on accounta the fact than it only tastes good going DOWN, not coming UP.  .

Good thing tomorrow is my day off.  That way, I have time to both make fancy dinner, and eat it.
Rare.

On Death: A Short Collection

When my heart is heavy, I often turn outward. I have found that poetry, music, scripture, and other texts have great power to express those emotions that even tears do not adequately express. 

Thus, I have attempted a short collection of those writings which have touched my heart today.  Jeff was a very good man, and his death has left many lives a little emptier than they were this morning. We love you, Amber and family. May the Lord be with you at this time. 


Mary Elizabeth Frye wrote:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning’s hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

“Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it.” 
― Haruki Murakami, Blind Willow, Sleeping Woman: 24 Stories

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39) 

Gone From My Sight
by Henry Van Dyke

I am standing upon the seashore. A ship, at my side,
spreads her white sails to the moving breeze and starts
for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength.
I stand and watch her until, at length, she hangs like a speck
of white cloud just where the sea and sky come to mingle with each other.

Then, someone at my side says, "There, she is gone"

Gone where?

Gone from my sight. That is all. She is just as large in mast,
hull and spar as she was when she left my side.
And, she is just as able to bear her load of living freight to her destined port.

Her diminished size is in me -- not in her.
And, just at the moment when someone says, "There, she is gone,"
there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices
ready to take up the glad shout, "Here she comes!"

And that is dying...

Death comes in its own time, in its own way.
Death is as unique as the individual experiencing it.

Doctrine and Covenants 42: 44

 And the elders of the church...shall be called, and shall pray for and lay their hands upon them in my name; and if they die they shall die unto me, and if they live they shall live unto me.

 45 Thou shalt live together in love, insomuch that thou shalt weep for the loss of them that die, and more especially for those that have not hope of a glorious resurrection.

 46 And it shall come to pass that those that die in me shall not taste of death, for it shall be sweet unto them.

"Death be not proud, though some have called thee"

John Donne

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,	5
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,	10
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die. Prayer El maley rakhamim shokhen ba-m'romim ha-m'tzei m'nukhah n'khonah takhat kanfei ha-sh'khinah b'ma'alot k'doshim u't'horim k'zohar ha-rakiah maz'hirim l'nishmot yakireinu u'k'dosheinu she-hal'khu l'olamam. Ana ba'al ha-rakhamim ha-s'tirem b'tzel k'nafekha l'olamim u-tz'ror bitz'ror ha-khayim et nishmatam. Adonay hu nakhalatam v'yanukhu b'shalom al mish'kabam v'nomar amen. God filled with mercy, dwelling in the heavens' heights, bring proper rest beneath the wings of your Shehinah, amid the ranks of the holy and the pure, illuminating like the brilliance of the skies the souls of our beloved and our blameless who went to their eternal place of rest. May you who are the source of mercy shelter them beneath your wings eternally, and bind their souls among the living, that they may rest in peace. And let us say: Amen And, my favorite:  In articulo mortis --- At the moment of death Caelitus mihi vires --- My strength is from heaven Deo adjuvante non timendum --- God helps, nothing should be feared In perpetuum --- For ever Dirige nos domine --- Direct us, O Lord Ad augusta per angusta --- To high places by narrow roads Sic itur ad astra --- Such is the path to the stars Excelsior --- Ever upward  I am so grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the understanding that families are forever. I know that  these principles are true, and it gives me great comfort in times of grief, heartache, and pain. Cry for those who are no longer with us, and live our lives so that we may see them again. May the Lord be with the families of those who have passed on.

A Different Kind of Gratitude

days like today make me:

                                  grateful for the fact

that not all days

 are like today.      

Not that it was super-awful--it could have been a lot worse, someone could have died, or Hostess could have gone out of business, or something equally terrible--but still,. it was not my favorite day of my recent existence.  

I feel physically miserable. 

So does my bank account. 

My apartment is falling apart, and the landlords are being difficult about it.

Tons of red tape for school.

Stupid dating.

Stupid Walmart. 

I am SO COLD.

...and Tired. 

Okay, with that pity-party set out, and to appease my well-intention-ed friends who combat my bad attitude with gratitude-fishing, here's the silver lining: 

I am grateful for modern medicine and for doctors who are trying to help me.

I am grateful for the opportunity to pay tithing and for the fact I have a full-time job. And, I'm grateful for (most of) the things, experiences, conveniences that that money is being used for. ..Most of them.

I have the opportunity to go back part-time to school and  continue pursuing my education.

Dating is still stupid, but it won't last forever. And Coolest Guy Ever is back to help talk me through it.

I managed, after an hour, to secure the last (of the correct model) space-heater at Stupid Walmart.

Thanks to space heater, my roommate is less cold. And I have a sweatshirt and blankets. Lots of blankets. 

and eventually the Tired will go away. 

And even with those silver linings, It's still okay for me to not be such a fan of the day. In fact, maybe I'm just justifying my bad attitude, but I think it's good sometimes to just be able to say 

"Wow. Today sucked. I hate to see what it would have been like if the Lord HADN'T been watching out for me.  But just because it could have been worse than it was...doesn't mean it didn't suck. 

Goodnight, world. 

Sleep well. 

I'll most likely kill you in the morning."

*~*~*~*

"The longer I live, the more I wonder--is this really PMS...or is this just my normal personality?"

Awkward Moments 101

I've found, through my ponderings, that my defense mechanism to avoid feeling embarrassed by awkward personal situations is to...well...make them MORE awkward.

It's like a game. 

"Okay, life, you want to make me uncomfortable? I'm calling your bluff. And I'm going to WIN...because I'm not bluffing! Take THAT, social regulatory influences!!"

Usually, it works. My "awkward threshold" is a lot higher than many people around me (let's face it, I've had a lot of practice).  This threshold, along with my *aHEM* well-honed wit and naturally mischievous sense of humor, usually works in my favor.

Usually.

A wise friend of mine told me recently "If you're going to become an expert at something, you are going to fail at it, occasionally."

This was one of those occasions. 

Once upon a recent time, I was distracted during a very busy day at work, and, as it occasionally happens with human beings, found myself in need of a bathroom. So, I took off my apron, name tag, and my chef coat, which I wear over street clothes, and headed to the store restrooms. However, being distracted, I mistakenly opened the wrong door, and took a step into the men's room.  Whoops!  Classic awkward moment, right?  No biggie. I'm sure I totally would have figured out I was in the wrong place, eventually. 

This eventual discovery was hastened, however, by the fact that I had actually stepped on someone's foot--a particularly cute, MALE someone, also wearing street clothes, who was coming out of said rest area. I was caught!
                                      

...Now, in the ensuing awkward eye-contact-and-"what-now" moment, a NORMAL person probably would have stammered some kind of blushing "um...oops...sorry!!", turned around, and gone into their own restroom, embarrassed.    

...nope.

Before I even registered what was going on, I heard myself saying "Oh, haha, so sorry!  You know, ever since the surgery, I'm having a hard time remembering which door I'm actually supposed to go through!  My bad!" 

And then I grinned, winked, turned around, and walked into the women's room. 

....Where my eyes went huge, as I realized what I had said. "EVER SINCE THE SURGERY"??  What the heck??!  Where did that even COME from??

"Oh, well,"  says I, to myself, in a desperate attempt at self-soothing. "I guess I'll never see him again. And I wasn't in uniform, so...whatever, I guess. Sheesh. That was close. Idiot Self."

So, I shook it off, laughed at the Awkward, and went back to work. 

EPILOGUE

...it turns out, the very attractive male person in street clothes was ALSO an employee, who works in Produce...a department I happen to visit a lot.   Yes, he made the connection that it was me.

Brilliant. 

:facepalm:

Haters Gonna Hate

My laptop has been broken/keep re-breaking all semester. Seriously annoying. But now I have access to my mom's desk top until Coolest Guy Ever finishes fixing said laptop.

Update:  I AM GOING BACK TO CLASSES THIS SEMESTER.
I am SO excited. I'm a little nervous about 9 credits AND a full-time job, but...I can do it.  Right?

Life certainly hasn't been working out the way my "5-years-after-high-school-plan" had envisioned it.  I frequently get the "Wait, you're still in school?  Shouldn't you be done by now?"  or the "Oh, you worked full-time, so I kind of assume you had graduated." or the blatant "Um...why haven't you graduated? I thought you were smart.I guess not!" (that last one was a direct quote...yeah...)

To those probably well-intention-ed and generally uninformed socialites, I give a MAJOR internal eye-roll (which, due to politeness and social tact, usually comes out as a smile and a nod).

Many of those voices are in my head, which, to be fair, is probably why the aforementioned comments hit so close to home.

I know why I haven't graduated.  I know why college has been such a crazy ride. And they are good reasons--not excuses.  Hind-sight is 20/20 and all that, and there are ways I could have handled things differently that would have been easier in the long run.

But the moral of the story is, it's none of society's business.  Were I a different ethnicity, or had different social connections, or made different attitude choices, I could have a pretty epic cable TV show out of my life. Or at least a news article or two. Perception is everything, I guess.

So back off, haters.


 I'm re-organizing my vision, and clarifying my life. I'm finishing up this degree, and moving on to the next one.  That'll be the next update.  I love New Year's Resolutions...especially ethereal ones that are vague enough to keep and share with the Internet.

Crazytime

So, I haven't written in what seems like forever (but was actually only a couple of months).  This time, it was not out of laziness or lack of desire--rather, lack of ability.  My computer is broken and my mom's computer doesn't have internet access. my smartphone doesn't do the blog-typing thing very well. 

In Summation: 

My life has been a total roller coaster.  In a strange turn of events, I am now working as an artisan baker.  I love it!  The pay is much more consistent than the Exec Chef gig I was offered. I feel much more confident, and the hours allow me to be home with mom much more than the other would have (and even date a little).

As soon as my camera works, I will post pictures of holiday goodies.  Yum. I am looking to keep selling my goodies, hats, scarves, etc., but I have not had time for decent publicity this season (new job, move, medical, boy, etc). The business has had a few setbacks from some summer gigs, but that's life. Confident that things will work out. 

I miss school. I miss campus.  I miss the social life that comes with student housing and student wards. 

I love having a car.  And a paycheck. I love how hard my family is trying to support me. I love fall. and wassail. and spices, and potatoes, and...well...food, generally. Especially fall food.

I am inching my way forward in my educational pursuits, with the end goal of three degrees:  a BS in Family Studies (emphasis in Human Sexuality and Family Psychology), an associates degree in Culinary Science, and an advanced certificate in a culinary specialty (as yet undetermined).  I want to, someday, go to the Culinary Institute of America.  I keep getting there paperwork in the mail, and I get excited...until I look at the pricetag. Yikes. But, someday. Period, end of sentence. 

 I am looking to buy a guitar, so that I may practice more consistently.  

I now teach music to the Junior Primary. Boy, is that a riot. Any suggestions are welcome. I love my calling, and love sitting down with my mom and thinking of new ways to teach. 

I found a new friend who loves many of the same things I do.  Speaks three languages, wants to speak more.  Brilliantly talented songwriter, plus vocals and instrumentals (but...not drums.  Which actually works well, because that means I can play them, haha).  Likes DCI and marching band. Similar taste in music and decent amount of overlap in movie taste.  And a serious Foodie. SERIOUS foodie. And makes really tasty home-brewed soda.  Knows how to dress.  Excellent sense of humor and sarcasm. Mormon. Also, a boy. Which is super convenient. 

So, life is...intense. Luckily, not in-tents, though sometimes it feels like it (like when the weather stripping is gone from my doors and it's snowing outside and the heater isn't working). 

Maybe, someday, my life will be a little LESS intense.  It seems I pretty much just trade one intensity for another.  

 But, if it doesn't, maybe I'll just market the storyline to TLC and make enough money for culinary school.  

Brilliant. 

Haircut

When I was a child, I had to keep my hair in a boy-cut, due to my allergies being completely out of control.  It really did help me allergies a lot, until the weekly allergy shots became a routine and allowed me to grow my hair out again. After that time, I tended to keep my hair long (or REALLY long) throughout high school and into college. I got tricked into cutting my hair ONCE, my freshman year, and then grew it out again as soon as possible. The only other time I cut it off was when I had too, again, due to medical reasons (the hard-corps medicine I was on had damaged it beyond repair).  Someone once inquired as to why I kept my hair so long, as it was generally unmanageable and I look cute with short hair, anyway.  This was written in response to that occasion. 

My Mama’s Curls

“Why don’t you cut your hair short again? It’d look so cute that way!”

I looked back at you closely, not sure of what to say.

My mind’s eye sees a mem’ry, so long ago, so clear

Of my mama on the telephone, and I was standing near.

She tossed her head back and she laughed— A truly joyful sound

And on her finger, auburn-red, she twirled her hair around.

It wrapped around that finger, always just the same

A pretty fan of brown, gold, red; and never truly tame.

She rubbed the curl across, stroking gently with her thumb

Then let go and toss it back, then take another one

I snuck around behind her to try to do the same

Watching oh so closely, then went to grab my mane

Of hair.  I then remembered, with a sudden sorrowful sigh

That I’d gone to get a haircut, now my hair would not comply

As I tried to wrap my finger.  I then began to cry--

I told myself right then and there, that someday I would be

Exactly like my mama, the woman of my dreams.

That mem’ry of the phone call, and the twisted lock of hair

Stayed with me then and always, but never had I shared

The reason that I always felt a love for curled long hair.

“Hello?” you said, and waved at me, “Sabina, are you there?”

“Oh,” said I, now with a smile,  my thumb stroking my curl,

“I guess I just like it better long.”