BCS...but not the football ridiculousness

Got the Foodie job. Really excited! Doubling as Foodie and Artisan Baker until the last week of April, then I can just do Foodie. 

Got a WAY good deal on halibut and salmon, so dinner has been tasty lately. 

Turns out, it's nice to be friends with a butcher. :-)

Someone gave me a slice of Key Lime Pie today. 

I promise that my entire life does not revolve around food. 

In fact, I'm getting my hair done soon. 
In like a month.

Also, I'm pretty much re-doing my whole wardrobe over that month. Should be fun. 
And kind of expensive.

Speaking of expensive, I'm really excited for culinary school in the fall!

I'm excited for the semester to be over this week. O.O  
         That means field trips to Salt Lake! :-D

Also, it means my brother's birthday, and I have no idea what I am going to do for him.

The end.


Those are my updates. Brief, clear, concise simple.  Which feels kind of weird, but I'll give it a shot.

Today marks the first day of "Two Weeks of Absolute Insanity: Judgement Day Edition" 

As a preface, the phrase "to prove," which repeats itself in the following list, can be translated more literally in this case to mean "there are going to be lots of important people judging my performance who set me to [this task] so that they can decide whether I actually meet their standard of expectation in [task]."  These are not self-imposed "I have to prove to myself that I'm good enough, so I'm going to do all this stuff RIGHT NOW just because I really want to because I don't feel good enough about myself already."  
Just to clarify. 

Now for my list. I like lists. I have a difficult time sequencing tasks and events in my head, so lists keep me from getting overwhelmed. Plus then, when I'm exhausted at the end of a day, I can look at my list and say "See??  I'm tired for a reason...not just because I'm a wuss."

So, I share my list with you, blogger universe. But mostly it's so I don't go insane. 


Trial-running a new position at work (to prove that the position should exist...and I should do it)

 keeping old position at work (prove that I can complete tasks in shortened time limit)

 2-part practical pastry final exam at UVU (to prove that I have the skill set, so I don't have to take the class) 

written final pastry exam at UVU (prove the same as above)

Yes, that's a three-part, 12 hour final exam for a class I've never taken and a program I'm not actually officially part of yet. 

...o.o

pay lots of $ to the culinary school (to prove that I really want to be a student in the Fall)

finish moving into my room (to prove that I'm not a slob...but probably mostly so people will get off my back about "You've been out here for weeks, this should be done already. You are inherently flawed as a human being because you haven't followed my timeline of your life.") (and also because I really actually DO hate having boxes everywhere!)

....and for the record, the kitchen has been done for a week and a half. 

So. 

Priorities.

...Back to the list. 

Final papers and projects for BYU classes (to prove that....well....I can get good grades? o.O)

Final exams for BYU  (to prove that I CAN finish, and that my BYU education is very important to me)

See a friend from out of town (to prove that I am NOT a self-absorbed, self-important and uncaring individual)

GENERAL CONFERENCE.   Not to prove anything. In fact, I'm getting lots of pressure to not watch it at all and just "watch it later" because the other things are more immediately important. I will watch it AGAIN later...don't mess with my Conference time any more than is absolutely necessary. In fact, I'm not sure yet where I'm going to watch it. Should figure that out. 


Okay.  Looking back on this post, it sounds like I'm whining. Or 'bragging-in-reverse' about how much I have to do or something. That is not my intention. Listing this all out helps to to see what I'm doing, what the priorities are, and WHY I am doing all of this. 

I am transitioning out of a major chapter of my life. I'm not sure exactly what is happening, even, but I'm trying to take it one step at a time. This is very difficult for me, because I don't naturally see my life as a course of sequential steps.  It's all just kind of jumbled together in one mass, that I then compartmentalize into almost-manageable pieces--but it's not a linear organization. And usually I'm not doing things to impress people--I do them because they need doing and that's that.  But these two weeks have added pressure because OTHER PEOPLE decided they are going to judge me on my performance. That's why I hesitated to use the word "prove," because it has so much connotation of self-imposition. The fact of the matter is, I personally don't care about their opinion--only as far as their opinion is now DIRECTLY impacting which direction my life will go. 
Sheesh. 

Epilogue: 

The only thing I feel I have to prove to myself is that I am not a needy little girl. I have to step up and claim my own life, and stop letting it be dictated by what outside forces think it SHOULD be. I can be overconfident at times, and take on too much. As I complete these tasks, though, I can remember something a friend taught me recently: 

"Doing less," for Sabina, is the END GOAL.  *Not* a way of getting to some other emotional "end goal."  People have been telling me for a long time that if I just "do less," "stop taking on so much," "stop being so intense," that I will be happier.  I think there is truth to that....but not exactly.  Perhaps making an emotion my goal (which so many of us do, if we think about it)  will only end in frustration.  My goal needs to be to DO LESS. It is an end in itself, not a means to happiness. It can be accomplished as I focus my life.  I have been living for a long time, afraid of my own intensity. A part of me thought that if I actually focused all my energy on one thing, I would lose myself in the sheer rushing power of it. So instead, I tried to spread out that energy and intensity over a multitude of projects talents, goals and ideas, to keep from drowning myself. Yeah, that didn't work.  

Now I am beginning to understand that my intensity and seemingly random organization pattern is inherently part of who I am, and as I BALANCE myself internally with the gospel and the people around me, I can focus my fire-hose-level intensity on a single issue without losing myself in the process. I can continue to develop my talents using the other elements of my personality--fun, curiousity, excitement, randomness, flakiness, unrealistic optimism, and the inability to keep a solid routine. I can save the intensity and crazy-planning and world-domination for my professional goals, instead of attacking the world around me with exhausting intensity. 

I can choose. 

And that is AWESOME.

half-discovered self discovery...to be continued.

I've found something I enjoy even more than cooking!!

O.O   K, guys, this is a big deal.

I realized that, even more than "cooking," I enjoy INGREDIENTS.

I love bottles of fine vinegar, jars of varietal and artisan honeys, ropes of dried chili peppers, packets of whole spice, pots of freshly growing herbs, drawers and cupboards and shelves full of sugars and vegetables and fine chocolate and flours and fruits and extracts and flavors.

I love preserving and bottling and drying and freezing.
....It's bizzare.

It's like, I garden and find/take care of trees so that I can have fruit/veggies/plants/herbs to dry/freeze/preserve/infuse into oil/extracts/concentrates/syrups. Part of me wants to own bees, just so I could get the honey (the other part of me remembers the stingers and the cost and the allergies).  And then I cook so I can use those things so that I can have an excuse to get more. It's actually a bit of a roadblock in cooking, and definitely in eating-- I think to myself "Hmmm, Self, I'm really hungry!" so I go to my fridge/cupboard/pantry. I look inside and see all these lovely ingredients. and I'm like "hm....but that would be so much tastier if I made it into this other thing...but I don't want to cook that right now....but I don't want to waste the yumminess on something sub-par....hmmm.....Goldfish crackers and a spoonful of peanut butter it is!!"

I miss having lots of people around that will eat my food. I don't like cooking for just one person! Mostly because that person is me--because by the time the food is done, I often don't even really want to eat it. Food needs an appreciative audience.
Or maybe it's just that I need an appreciative audience. Is that a bad thing?  I haven't decided yet.

Maybe I'll ponder it while I go make Almond/Vanilla Bean Sauce for these creme puffs....

HashtagFirstWorldProblems

I can't find my CD that will allow me to re-download my Microsoft Office Pack back onto my laptop.  This is particularly annoying, as I knew EXACTLY where it was for almost 3 years...but then I moved. And now I need it.

Drat.

And of course, as soon as i buy another CD, I will find my old CD. SO I keep trying to hold out, thinking that maybe--just maybe--if I just keep looking, I will find it in the next place I look.  Okay, not that place? Well, then, surely in the next box...or maybe the next one...

I may just have to give in, and buy another Office pack. I have LibreOffice, but it doesn't have a Notebook program, and frankly, I'm struggling to stay organized without one.

Sigh.

#firstworldproblems,.

Food Blog?

I'm toying with the idea of a food blog.  I'm not sure what direction I would want it to go, and I'm not sure a blog is really the best fit for me.  I know I have a lot of blogging friends, and I'd like some input. The biggest issues I see would be good photos, and consistent updating.

Thoughts?

~~Focus~~

I have be re-writing my overall vision for my life, and it has led me to some (surprisingly exciting) conclusions:

(1) I am awesome. 

(2) I really like knowing things.

(3)I really enjoy the "Renaissance Woman" thing...

(4)...but I also feel like my life needs better focus. (I'm sure many of my readers are thinking 'umm...duh.')

(5) I have a lot of talents, and I enjoy them. 

(6)I want to obtain more talents, and develop the ones I have, better!

(7) I can purposefully and individually take more complete control over my own educational pursuits. 



This has led me to some action-oriented conclusions:

--I have decided to seriously pare down my remaining yarn stash.  Keep enough for some pet projects for friends and family, and that hat closet I'm working on, but cutting it down to about a fifth...or a sixth...of what it is now. It is definitely enviable of many a Pinterest board!  I am thinking of selling it off on Craigslist and/or KSL, so that I can roll the space, and the resulting bit of cash into...

--...focusing on food. Not on catering, not on parties, not on yarn whittling, not on for-profit design. Food. I still LOVE crochet, and stage makeup, and music, and all the other things...but if I can let go of my insecurities, and my fear of becoming imbalanced and Labled--I could be very, very good at Food. Cooking with it, preserving it, the science behind it, the technique of it, the business and economy of it, the religious and cultural significance of it.  An all-encompassing Food Expert. 

This refinement of my life goals will include the things I really enjoy:  the possibility of culinary school, studying and experimenting with food, personal study and flexibility, teaching cooking and food classes, working in a variety of food service positions, throwing taster parties and foodie-events.

It will cut out many things that I do NOT enjoy: feeling obligated to do things just because I am good at them, feeling like my culinary development and educational pursuits are solely defined by the demands of the area in which I happen to live at the moment, feeling like I'm always pulled in twenty thousand directions within my own mind, not getting paid for events or cooking gigs that I should be, forcing roots to grow in this town in the form of debt for a commercial kitchen, my own restaurant, etc., feeling like I am expected to know all the answers when people ask me food questions, feeling like my personal pursuits are a waste of time when I should be focusing on stream-lining and profitability.  Etcetera. 

It will also mean I need to work on some things that I am willing to enjoy more: Photo-documenting kitchen projects being the main one. Consistently updating websites--blog, social media, personal domain, Pinterest, etc. Forming professional connections.  Letting go of intense interests and letting them simply become "hobbies." (that is probably the biggest one). 

This will allow me to work for many already-established professionals in my trade, and move up quickly as I gain the experience I need while earning enough to pay bills. (It will also, incidentally, make taxes a lot easier...don't get me off on THAT little frustration!)

I feel like I do a lot of things, and I'm at about a "B" level at most of them--sometimes a C or D level. There are very few things I would out-right fail at--except for long-distance running (Emily Clay, you are my hero!).  But it's time to grow up a little-- become a REAL expert at something. Not just pass-able. Not just "I am going to keep this around, so I can be sure to have it when I might want to come back to it later."

I think the hardest choices in life are between good things and great things-- or good things and good things. I'm not looking to cut out my interests--just to pare them down to "hobby-level" interests.  that way, food is work and crochet, guitar, music, reading, writing, etc are relaxation!

WHAT A CONCEPT. 

I feel like the rest of the world already figured this out. >.> .... <.<...

But for me, this is a big step. 

........................................................................................................................

Also, could we just step back for a moment, and imagine how awesome I'm going to be at something if I'm actually focusing on it?  Cutting out the mental and spacial baggage and actually throwing MOST of my energy behind one pursuit?  I don't think I've ever done that before.  The closest I've come was drumline my junior year of high school. Senior year I lost it a bit, and I don't think I ever got it back. 

..........................................................................................................................

There's more to this, but this is already a long post.

Imma go study about chocolate.
^.^

PS I'm interested in feedback on this one...I'm a little nervous, but I feel like this is a fundamental change that will be very important. Thoughts welcome!

Still Got It

Back in classes.

LOVE IT.

It has only *officially* been one semester since I was in school, BUT when you add in the summer break, and the fact that I was pretty much dead on the couch for most of last winter semester...it feels like forever.

Really.  It's been over a year since I was both in school, and healthy enough to complete my classes.

It's been since '09 since I have been healthy enough to actually ENJOY school... or be semi-good at it...or finish all my classes within the semester deadlines...or not randomly hang out at hospitals or whatnot.   

But now...

I'M BACK!!

And it feels GREAT.

I was sitting in my language acquisition and development class, and I felt like a real student again. The class is kind of a cross-roads between my first actual major (English Linguistics), my current minor (Linguistics:Comparative), and my current major (Family Studies: HS&FP [that's the "development" part of the class]).  So I feel like I kind of know what's going on! :-) Most of the people in my class are Early El Ed women.  I'm the only sort-of linguistics student. I have found myself needing to shut myself up more than a few times!  However, today was really fun. We covered suprasegmental cues in language (pitch, pauses, emphasis, sarcasm, etc). The professor needed someone to speak in a language that the other class members wouldn't recognize, to emphasize how much meaning comes across, outside of the comprehension of the arbitrary semantic symbols (..."words.") 

There were only 6 foreign language speakers in the class (which is kind of odd for BYU--usually there are more). The others spoke romance languages that many were familiar with. That left me--I got to speak a paragraph or two at a time in Arabic, as it was a language that no one else in the class spoke.  Arguably, I don't really speak it, either, but I was able to smoothly come up with a basic paragraph, when put on the spot. I was pretty proud of myself!  I said, basically, "Hey, everyone! I don't actually speak a lot of Arabic--I only speak a little.  I only took a year of it, here at the university, and that was a few years ago. But I love the Arabic language! I want to be fluent, but it's not easy to read."

I sounded SO good.  I was surprised at myself, and pleasantly so! {I was going to say something about how it really is tremendously cold at BYU, but only in winter time--BUT I didn't.  Arabic speakers, be proud of me. ;-)}

I was amazed at how much I remembered--both in Arabic and linguistics--that I thought I'd forgotten.  I feel like I'm shaking my brain awake; like it's been lying under a thick layer of dust for a long time. Wake up, brain!! So much to know!

Dust....wake... this line of thinking is jogging a memory in my gray matter... so, naturally, I look it up. Yup, there it is:

Moroni 10:31: And ^aawake, and arise from the dust, O Jerusalem; yea, and put on thy beautiful garments, O daughter of ^bZion; and^cstrengthen thy ^dstakes and enlarge thy borders forever, that thou mayest ^eno more be confounded, that the covenants of the Eternal Father which he hath made unto thee, O house of Israel, may be fulfilled.
 32 Yea, ^acome unto Christ, and be ^bperfected in him, and ^cdeny yourselves of all ungodliness; and if ye shall deny yourselves of all ungodliness, and ^dlove God with all your might, mind and strength, then is his grace sufficient for you, that by his grace ye may be^eperfect in Christ; and if by the grace of God ye are perfect in Christ, ye can in nowise deny the power of God.  (emphasis added)

Well, if the glory of God is intelligence (D&C 93:36), then it makes sense that "coming to Christ" involves learning more about the world and the people in it.  I personally have chosen to pursue this learning in lots of different ways, one of which is completing my college degree. I feel very blessed to be able to get back to it! ^_^