Thursday, April 4, 2013

Today marks the first day of "Two Weeks of Absolute Insanity: Judgement Day Edition" 

As a preface, the phrase "to prove," which repeats itself in the following list, can be translated more literally in this case to mean "there are going to be lots of important people judging my performance who set me to [this task] so that they can decide whether I actually meet their standard of expectation in [task]."  These are not self-imposed "I have to prove to myself that I'm good enough, so I'm going to do all this stuff RIGHT NOW just because I really want to because I don't feel good enough about myself already."  
Just to clarify. 

Now for my list. I like lists. I have a difficult time sequencing tasks and events in my head, so lists keep me from getting overwhelmed. Plus then, when I'm exhausted at the end of a day, I can look at my list and say "See??  I'm tired for a reason...not just because I'm a wuss."

So, I share my list with you, blogger universe. But mostly it's so I don't go insane. 

Trial-running a new position at work (to prove that the position should exist...and I should do it)

 keeping old position at work (prove that I can complete tasks in shortened time limit)

 2-part practical pastry final exam at UVU (to prove that I have the skill set, so I don't have to take the class) 

written final pastry exam at UVU (prove the same as above)

Yes, that's a three-part, 12 hour final exam for a class I've never taken and a program I'm not actually officially part of yet. 

pay lots of $ to the culinary school (to prove that I really want to be a student in the Fall)

finish moving into my room (to prove that I'm not a slob...but probably mostly so people will get off my back about "You've been out here for weeks, this should be done already. You are inherently flawed as a human being because you haven't followed my timeline of your life.") (and also because I really actually DO hate having boxes everywhere!)

....and for the record, the kitchen has been done for a week and a half. 
...Back to the list. 

Final papers and projects for BYU classes (to prove that....well....I can get good grades? o.O)

Final exams for BYU  (to prove that I CAN finish, and that my BYU education is very important to me)

See a friend from out of town (to prove that I am NOT a self-absorbed, self-important and uncaring individual)

GENERAL CONFERENCE.   Not to prove anything. In fact, I'm getting lots of pressure to not watch it at all and just "watch it later" because the other things are more immediately important. I will watch it AGAIN later...don't mess with my Conference time any more than is absolutely necessary. In fact, I'm not sure yet where I'm going to watch it. Should figure that out. 

Okay.  Looking back on this post, it sounds like I'm whining. Or 'bragging-in-reverse' about how much I have to do or something. That is not my intention. Listing this all out helps to to see what I'm doing, what the priorities are, and WHY I am doing all of this. 

I am transitioning out of a major chapter of my life. I'm not sure exactly what is happening, even, but I'm trying to take it one step at a time. This is very difficult for me, because I don't naturally see my life as a course of sequential steps.  It's all just kind of jumbled together in one mass, that I then compartmentalize into almost-manageable pieces--but it's not a linear organization. And usually I'm not doing things to impress people--I do them because they need doing and that's that.  But these two weeks have added pressure because OTHER PEOPLE decided they are going to judge me on my performance. That's why I hesitated to use the word "prove," because it has so much connotation of self-imposition. The fact of the matter is, I personally don't care about their opinion--only as far as their opinion is now DIRECTLY impacting which direction my life will go. 

The only thing I feel I have to prove to myself is that I am not a needy little girl. I have to step up and claim my own life, and stop letting it be dictated by what outside forces think it SHOULD be. I can be overconfident at times, and take on too much. As I complete these tasks, though, I can remember something a friend taught me recently: 

"Doing less," for Sabina, is the END GOAL.  *Not* a way of getting to some other emotional "end goal."  People have been telling me for a long time that if I just "do less," "stop taking on so much," "stop being so intense," that I will be happier.  I think there is truth to that....but not exactly.  Perhaps making an emotion my goal (which so many of us do, if we think about it)  will only end in frustration.  My goal needs to be to DO LESS. It is an end in itself, not a means to happiness. It can be accomplished as I focus my life.  I have been living for a long time, afraid of my own intensity. A part of me thought that if I actually focused all my energy on one thing, I would lose myself in the sheer rushing power of it. So instead, I tried to spread out that energy and intensity over a multitude of projects talents, goals and ideas, to keep from drowning myself. Yeah, that didn't work.  
Now I am beginning to understand that my intensity and seemingly random organization pattern is inherently part of who I am, and as I BALANCE myself internally with the gospel and the people around me, I can focus my fire-hose-level intensity on a single issue without losing myself in the process. I can continue to develop my talents using the other elements of my personality--fun, curiousity, excitement, randomness, flakiness, unrealistic optimism, and the inability to keep a solid routine. I can save the intensity and crazy-planning and world-domination for my professional goals, instead of attacking the world around me with exhausting intensity. 

I can choose. 
And that is AWESOME.

1 comment:

Kari World Conqueror said...

Pretty sure you just inspired me to write a "taking control of my life" kind of post for my own blog. That was epically empowering! Way to be. :)