Friday, March 21, 2014

Word Thoughts of Twelve Minutes

Someone told me once that if I didn't have anything to write I should just write everything that was popping into my head with limited filte.r I mean, obviously there is SOME filter because even typing 60+ words per minute there is no stinking way I could POssibly keep up with my brain in words alone, much less tone or other extra-verbal cues. Funny, how we have those when we think. And how not all thoughts are actually words. Sometimes thoughts are really obnoxious, actually. I wonder what it is that causes us to think-- in the metaphysical sense, not the electric patterns in the brain. Though it will be really cool to learn how electricity can be translated into thought patterns. I should go fix the typos in that previous paragraph, they bug me. Wow I wish I typed faster, this is hard. Maybe if I used Home Row Proper it would improve my piano finger drills. That makes some sense. I should try it. Piano is going fine; I'm learning some songs I really like and brushing up my theory. I really do need a drill book, though. I need to fully commit to this piano player thing. I want to be able to play whatever people need me to play--not in a concert setting, but jazz, hymns, pop, rock, you know, basics for my social circle. I need to get Eliza rent money for the piano. Oooh, rent money. I don't want to think about that. nope, not going to worry about that tonight. I am however going to go get myself a part time job in bakery. I feel like that would be beneficial to my schooling. I'm really thinking I might want to actually be a pastry chef, which thought had never seriously occured to me before. Why do I never spell occurred correctly the first time I try it? Hmm. Must just be a habit-- after 20 years of spelling words I should have gotten that one by now. I wonder how many other accidental habits I've picked up over the years. I wish I were a little more intentional with my life. See look now I'm using Home Row and things are going a little smoother. My fourth finger is still the slowest, though, and I still look at the leyboard. I don't even need to look at the keyboard. Maybe I should practice that. That would help with mallet percussion, too. And, you know, typing. Which I do much more than mallet percussion nowadays. I wish I could march again. I thought I'd be able to help with the local high school this spring and summer, but the tissue around my heart is swelling up again randomly so flinging cymbals around and bucking bass drums probably isn't the smartest idea. Slash, it would actually be really stupid. And, contrary to popular belief, I do OCCASIONALLY put my health before my hobbies. Mostly because I'm trying to baby myself back to being able to dance again.  I really do relate to the world primarily through kinetic energy, and this limited motion/weight gain/swelling/CRAP is really starting to drive me nuts. Seriously. It bugged me before when it was active deterioration, but that was pretty painful and actually just dumb. This is teasingly dumb-- I get cleared to go to the gym, I just get going back into my routine and BAM I'm down again. So. Ridiculous. Plus I look awful in my clothes but I don't want to go get new ones because Clothes Shopping and also Stubbornness and also I just don't care enough to spend money on it. No, it's not that I don't care enough, lets be honest. It's because I'm a little bitter that I even have to get new clothes. I'm smaller in many areas, larger in others, nothing is sitting right. And that's really obnoxious. Slash, I dont fit anywhere socially. My desire and my heart and my mind are in Active People mode--those friends who love to exercise and ladeedah. I desperately want a solid game of ultimate frisbee and some hard core latin dancing and maybe a decent hike. But I can't. So then I spend lots of time with Less Active Friends who complain about exercise and don't like it and ladeedah and PS I eat everything and I'm still a size 5. Eyeroll. YOU HAVE A PHENOMENAL PHYSICAL BODY. It is a GIFT. GO USE IT because some of us are quite stuck at the moment. 
But I don't have down syndrome or visible injuries. I just look like the run of the mill Fat Person, and if I really wanted it that bad I would find a way, because Inspirational Person did it so I can too, right? 
It's okay, Sabs. You just need to be patient. Not my strong point, obviously, but I need to understand that I am physically unable to do many of the things I want to for now, and that just needs to be okay for the moment. No need to be complacent; (Rule #....wait what rule number is that? Wow, I must be pretty upset if I'm forgetting my own rule numbers. Rule #26. Okay, you need to review those). I wish my computer was working. Then I could have all my stuff right where I want it and be snuggled up with a blanket instead of hanging out in Mom's room on the desktop. Mom's room is actually an office, since there aren't any beds in my house, but it's still Mom's space. And a different keyboard. I like clacky keyboards. Wow I'm a little surprised where that thought process went. Oh, well, to continue--wait mom is calling. I guess I need to wrap up. Actually, I think I need to try to find something decent to wear to the luncheon tomorrow. Is that why my brain started thinking about how I don't like any of my clothes right now? Hmm. That was a strange occurrence. Wow that word took 6 times trying to spell it. Guess that's going on my spelling list for the month. I should get back into that habit of self-spelling tests. I have many many classes I'm trying to juggle at the moment-- I feel like I keep sort-of learning things, and then it is time to move on to the next thing. I'm sort-of okay at baking, but I need to really take things one at a time and maybe I will be more confident in my abilities. Take things in order, one at a time, and supplement with things that I enjoy. I'm doing 2 jobs (hopefully) and gastronomy, which are for the whole 6 week section of my life, I can take short doughs and classic pastry and enriched breads and use them across those same 6 weeks. Then I'm sort of focused but can still bounce around and make sure to fit everything in. I finished Jana's yellow hat while I was reviewing the brioche, apple pie, and tart lecture videos. I'm so glad I have lecture videos instead of just slides and notes. It's so much easier this way. I need to adjust my schedule and check with James about that crochet Ganesh he wants; as soon as I get the all clear on the final design concept I can make THAT during video lectures. I'm a little nervous how that design will come together, since there is no trial run, but it should be great. I'm excited to see what the final piece looks like. There's something magical about creating something tangable where before there was only potential. I should work on drawing so that I can write down how it looks for other people. Like, I can think of music and then play that music, but I need to work on transferring that music into the written sphere so other people can replicate it; or at least have a record of it. Recipes are the same way; and if I new how to draw 2 dimensional concepts, it would be easier to keep a record of my 3 dimensional creations (crochet, plating, sculptures, sugar paste, design concepts, etc). hmm. Also I'm beginning to think that my sensory perception is a little blended--apparently thinking of tastes as colors is not a universal experience. Nor is not remembering faces, nor is not retaining melody. I have really weird gaps in my memory retention, but oddly specific memory in other places. Makes for weird communication sometimes. 
You know, he really needs to just date me. Lets be real. That would be very helpful. I may be a little broken, but I'm actually pretty awesome. And if this continues too much longer, I'm going to do something tremendously stupid and screw things up, because I pretty much do that every time. Slash, I am not really in an emotional place to do all the work and be the Pathetic Pursuer, like unto many past relationships of mine. Call me Mahana, but sometimes a girl just needs a little validation. 
I promise I don't think about boys all the time. I guess it's kind of like that Hitler thing--the longer you talk in a conversation, the more likely it is someone will bring up Hitler? Seriously, it happens all the time. Talk to a single woman long enough-- or in this case, read what her brain does in the course of 12 minutes-- and boys will eventually come up. And this boy is worth thinking about. So stop judging me, Self. I do what I want. 
I'm not sure if I'm talking to you, Reader, or you, Self. But I guess it doesn't matter because this exercise is over and I'm going to go help mom get ready for bed. 
Wow that Home Row thing really did help me type faster. 
I didn't quite get all the thoughts down, but I would guess I got about 70%, if I'm going to be generous. Plus, writing the thoughts almost forces them to finish, so it's not quite as flitting as my brain usually is. I actually have to finish typing the word. Which takes freaking forever. That was a fun vulnerability exercise. Also, it is missing all the flitting memory snippets and images and smells and sounds and touch memory that were overlayed through most of the 12 minutes; it is hard to think in just words. But it's a start. Plus my brain type includes many spelling errors. I guess that's the most revealing of my true nature. ;-)

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